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Everything Jake #790: Mending Buddies Written by Mike Rosenzweig Tom: I can't believe how short your hair is, Jake. Jake: Actually, it was much shorter than this. Tom: Really? Jake: Yeah. It was almost like yours. Tom: Wow. Always figured you to have girl hair. Rich: Don't be picking on Jake, Tommy, especially when you use the word, "girl". Tom: What's that supposed to mean? Rich: It means what it means. Tom: I don't follow. Jake: What are you guys ordering? Rich: Probably the same. You don't come to the Lighthouse to eat, Jake, you know that. Jake: I know. I'm trying to cut back on smoking though, every night my chest seems to hurt from it. Rich: You don't even smoke that much. Tom: Why'd you even start, Jake, aren't you the one who did a Non-Smoking campaign in our senior advertising class? Jake: Yeah, but I didn't realize how cool it was. Rich: Why did you take a Advertising class in high school for, Tom? Tom: I'm an artist trapped in a Long Snapper's body. Rich: Did you just say Long Snapper-- Jake: You're doing the snapping now? Rich: In reference to yourself? Tom: Yeah, Jake, they have me on special teams and punting situations. It appears I have a natural instinct to throw a ball between my legs with surprising precision. (silence) Rich: What's everyone looking at me for? That was too easy. Jake: I thought you were going to be on the Offensive line, Tom… Tom: This year. Coach wanted to make sure I was ready, says I have some sort of gift blocking ability and doesn't want me to rush out. Says I am one of the best natural linemen he's ever seen. Jake: That's awesome, Tom, are we thinking NFL? Rich: What's NFL? Tom: In my dreams, Jake, in my dreams. But I'm getting a degree in Art History, I want to graduate so I have something if football doesn't work out. Rich: Oh, you're talking about football. (silence) Jake: I can see why now, Rich. Rich: Can see what? Jake: Why Tom never got laid. Tom: WHAT!??! Rich: Oh, snap! Tom: What do you mean, I'm neck deep in chicks! Jake: Seriously? Tom: Yeah. (silence) Tom: No. I'm… I'm so ashamed. Rich: So what about you, Jake, still going out with that black chick? Jake: We broke up almost a year ago, Rich…! Rich: She was hot. Jake: Yeah… she was. Tom: What about Faith Fat? I always thought you'd get together. Jake: I don't really want to talk about Faith right now. Rich: Oh, shit, she's not the one who died, is she? Tom: What, Faith's dead? Jake: No! Faith's not.. dead… Tom, one of my friends from school passed away this summer. Tom: I'm sorry, that's so not cool. No one told me. Jake: It's okay… I'm getting… I'll be okay. Rich: How did it happen? Jake: What? Rich: How did your friend die? Tom: Maybe he doesn't want to talk about it. Rich: Oh, Jake, if you don't want to talk about it- Jake: I'd rather… I'd rather not. But, we all went on… vacation to London for two weeks in the beginning of June and while we were there… an old wall on an old building collapsed and she was trapped underneath. (silence) Jake: I guess it's a pretty silly way to die. Rich: That's the worst thing I've ever heard. Tom: Yeah, Jake, that's.. we're here for you man, okay? Jake: Thanks guys, I'm still getting over the fact when I go back to school, Mercy's not gonna be there. It's… well, it sucks. Rich: I hear that, man, I hear that. (silence) Tom: How long have we been sitting here? And no waitress… Rich: Look at you, you eat anymore and you'll need a sub dimension just to stand up. Tom: Sub-dimension? Rich: Sorry, been reading a lot of Grant Morrison lately. You get "The Filth", Jake? Jake: I haven't read a comic all summer. Rich: We'll go to Stinky's tomorrow. Tom: Heh heh, you said "Stinkys". Rich: That's the name of the comic store, dick. Tom: I knew that. Jake: So how's Siena, Rich, besides the chick whose sister you fucked. Rich: Which one? Jake: You tell me, man. Rich: Must be the chick I was talking to on about on the phone. Tom: Is that the one who dumped you after going to the bathroom? Jake: What? Rich: It was so fucked, man, there we are, things are getting all hot and heavy, she gets up to take a leak, comes back and says things aren't working out anymore. She leaves. Jake: Wait, she just left? Without finishing? Rich: Right! Just like that. Tom: I think she took a nasty dump in his bathroom and was embarrassed by the mess and had to leave. Jake: That's possible, dude, chicks dump also. Rich: She didn't take a dump in my bathroom! Jake: She might've. Tom: That's what I'm thinking. Rich: You guys are fucked up, you know that? Jake: We're not the ones who go out with chicks who take huge craps. Rich: Fucked up. All of you. (laughter) Tom: Rich, did you get that e-mail from Pete? Rich: Yeah, oh, hey Jake, what are you doing Thanksgiving break? Jake: Nothing much, as far as I know, why? Rich: Pete's on leave then, he's coming home, wants to hang out with all of us. Jake: No thanks. Rich: Come on, dude, it's his last break before going on assignment. Jake: He's going on assignment? Where? Tom: He couldn't tell us, but we think it's in the shit. Jake: Afghanistan? Rich: Iraq. Jake: Oh, shit. Rich: Scary, right? Imagine Pete flying sorties over the skies of Baghdad? Jake: I can't imagine Pete doing anything like that. I mean, remember how mad he got about Nikkki Bradshaw? Tom: Um… Rich: But you guys made up, so don't worry about it. He wants to see you too, Jake. Please try and make it? Jake: Yeah, I'll try. No promises. Rich: And bring that hot black chick, even if you guys broke up. Tom: You broke up? You looked good together… Jake: We had a lot of problems. Trust me. Anyway, I'm too young to be caught up in some long relationship now, right? Rich: Yes, I agree. Tom: I just wish I could get anything right now…    
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EVERYTHING JAKE is TM & (C) 2000-2011 by Mike Rosenzweig. | ||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||
