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     Story by Mike Rosenzweig and Benjamin Birdie Words by Benjamin Birdie Issue One page one: 1: CAP: Los Cinco Muertes There's a fat man sitting on a beach chair. A roundish looking ass in is the fore-ground, heading toward the seated man. *small captions of screaming and carnage in the background of each panel* 2: CAP: One thousand and seventeen miles off the western coast of the United States Fat guy looks over. He is CROSBY. 3: He winces. OFF- PANEL: Here's your Pabst, Crosby. *severed hand is attatched to the bottle* 4: J. CAMPBELL SOUP, bikini clad, sits down on the ground next to Crosby. CROSBY: Would it be possible, just once, for you to be fully dressed in my presence? SOUP: Can't do it, man. I just love the weather here in Los Cinco Muertes. All the air does wonders for my pores. OFF-PANEL: OH DEAR GOD NO! WHAT FORCES OF MOTHER NATURE HAVE WE UNLEASHED?!? 5: CROSBY, sipping his beer. *large explosion in background* CROSBY: I recieved word in this morning. Our girl Abbey has, it appears, gone jogging. SOUP: Cripes, not again. Any idea where she might have gone? 6: CROSBY nods. *small dinosaur head lands in front of the duo* CROSBY: Our DNA scanmatrons have placed her on the shores of La Isla Bonita SOUP: La Isla Bonita? Who'd you send? CROSBY: Men of honor and dignity. Capable of splitting apart and creating new men of honor and dignity. page two: CAP (SOUP): Fantastic. This is a splash page of ABBEY RHODES jogging. page three: 1: ABBEY finds herself at the edge of a cliff. A: Oh poo. La Isla Bonita. Again. I don't even remember crossing all that water. 2: She strecthes, her back now to the cliff. A: Nothing works those bosom and hip muscles like a nice stretch. 3: Cut to the cliff, where two members of THE HAND OF THE FIST OF THE FOOT are climbing it. NINJAE 1: (thought) Yes...stretch that ample bosom of yours Miss Rhodes. While you sell hundreds of copies, we prepare for your inevitable demise. 4: Abbey still strecthing, but the MULTIPLINJA's jump up from the cliff. NINJAE 2: PREPARE FOR A ONE-WAY TICKET TO HELL, RHODES! NINJAE 1: AND THE HAND OF THE FIST OF THE FOOT IS FOOTING THE BILL. No pun intended. 5: Abbey, looking over her shoulder as the ninja's are about to pounce! A: Ninjae. How droll. Bet you didn't expect me to do -- page four: 1: Abbey ducks... A: THIS! 2: And the ninja's do a flip, and land on their feet. NINJAE 2: The Hand of the Fist of the Foot is prepared for anything. 3: Abbey puts up her dukes. A: How about a Knuckle Sandwich on Pumperninja? 4: One of the ninja's fly at Abbey. NINJAE 2: YOU DARE TO EQUATE OUR SACRED ORDER WITH DELICATESSEN BREAD?!? 5: She kicks him in the stomach in mid-air. A: Sounds about right, yeah. 6: He lands on the ground, and splits into two ninjas! *mad speed lines* NINJAE: HARUKO!! (or perhaps just a word written in Japanese. Everytime the Hand members split they scream this.) 7: They both get up with their swords out. *mad speed lines* NINJAE: SHOSHINANKE! 8: Abbey, looking upset, perhaps even pouting. A: Well I certainly didn't expect that to happen. page five: 1: The two ninja's with the swords attack, but Abbey bounces out of their way. A: Allez oop! 2: They do, however, manage to cut the third ninja into, well, thirds. NINJAE 2: Brother Hajikuro!! 3: POP! POP! POP! Three more ninjas. NINJAE 3: HARUKO!! 4: CAP: You know, I wonder what would happen if . . . Abbey calling out to the ninjas. ABBEY: Hey, uh, ninjae? There's only five of you, and, like, one of me. That's not necessarily fair, now is it? If there were, say, 500 of you then we might be able to have ourselves a fair fight. 5: Ninja's look at each other. 6: They start to slash each other. NINJAE: GIKIROMANGA! 7: Abbey running away *small and scattered shrieks of 'HAKURO!'* SFX: Whup! whup! 8: Looks up ABBEY: Now what makes a sound like that? SFX: whupwhupwhupwhup page six: 1: Extending from a ladder that is attached to a helicopter, NATASHA FORTT is reaching for Abbey to grab her hand. NATASHA: Come with me if you want to live! 2: Abbey, looking a little puzzled. ABBEY: What do you mean? Those Hand of the Fist of the Foot jokers will be slashing themselves for hours. By the time they're finished I'll be halfway to Benzali! 3: Ninja's, hacking away at each other. NINJAE: HAAARUUUKO!!! 4: Natasha, holding out her hand a bit more adamently. NATASHA: You have to trust us, Abbey! 5: Abbey backing away. ABBEY: Totally no way. I, like, make it a total point never to trust anyone with non-Clairol streaks. Not to mentionsomeone who's like hanging from a chopper and like somehow knows my name. I'm Audi 5000! 6: Abbey keeps running, Natasha speaks into her headset. NATASHA: She's not playing ball, Sean... SEAN (via headset): Then we change the game. 7: Close-up of Natasha's eyes. NATASHA: Cricket it is... Oh, Abbey? 8: Abbey looks back. ABBEY: *sigh* Like, what is it now? page seven: This is the page before the opening page. The BLATANT COMICS PRESENT words are scrolling across the bottom of each panel. Very "movieish". 1: Natasha kicks Abbey in the head... 2: She falls, but 3: Natasha grabs her. N: That's a googly. 4-9: Chopper flying away, fading out in the distance. *shrinking 'HARUKO!'s* pages eight and nine: big opening splash page. title: DANGEROUSLY CLOSE by Mike Rosenzweig and Benjamin Birdie Jorge Angel, moral support Clark Peterson, cover colors There is a plentitude of nekkid wemmen and fat guys. page ten: 1: Cap: The Asiadriatic Sea MAPROOM OF THE S.S. OVERTKILL The maproom of Soup's *exotic water craft* is covered with postrs of half-nekkid girls, Poison posters, Stacks and stacks of comics. Soup, Crosby, INKER, and COLORIST are standing over a table that has some sort of plans on it. Soup is holding a pointer, pointing to something on these plans. SOUP: Here they are, gentlemen. The Infinity Covers! 2: The first cover SOUP: DIE-CUT! 3: The second cover. SOUP: EMBOSSED! 4: The third cover. SOUP: GLOW-IN-THE-DARK! 5: The fourth cover. SOUP: BAGGED WITH TRADING CARD! 6: The henchmen. INKER: Aren't there five Infinity Covers? 7: Close up of El Soupo. SOUP: Very astute, tracer. The famed fifth cover. Chromium. Without it, these four cover variants are useless. Sure the ample bosoms and celebrity look-a-likes within draw attention, but we're looking beyond mere attention. We want more than just a Wizard Fan Award -- COLORIST (OFF-PANELINO): We do? SOUP: With the missing fifth cover we can take over the world. This will go beyond the Death of Superman, the Death of Robin, the Birth of Nathan Summers INKER: Who's that? Was that Claremont-era? SOUP: Once we have all of the Infinity Covers -- 8: Outside of boat SOUP: NOTHING CAN STOP US! page eleven: 1: Back to the interior. SOUP: Anyhoo. Any word on the Rhodes girl? I heard she might have the fifth cover and, thus, be the key to our plans for world domination, etcetera. 2: Inker INKER: Our DNA scanmatrix pegs her aboard an unmarked helicopter headed east. 3: Soup SOUP: East of La Isla Bonita? We're east of La Isla Bonita. How far away from us are they? 2: Cros the Punk Editor CROS: Well, there's no way to tell with this equipment, really. But we've got time. 4: Soup, grabbing onto Crosby's shirt. SOUP: Time is one thing we don't have! 5: Soup, letting loose of Crosby's shirt. SOUP: Who knows what kind of Grape Soda guzzling, chocolate donut eating freaks she may have shacked up with? 6: The whole group wary of an angry Soup banging the table. SOUP: DAMN! 6: Abbey, sleeping. CAP (SOUP): I want her and her ample bosoms and hips on this boat yesterday! page twelve: 1: Water get's splashed on Abbey's face. 2: She wakes up, very surprised. ABBEY: What th--?! 3: She quickly darts up. ABBEY: What's going on here? Where am I? 4: Puzzled Abbey ABBEY: Did I eat raw salmon last night? 5:NATASHA, SHANIA JO CLEAVAGE, BACKSTREET BETTY, and SEAN are standing near her. NAT (smiling): No comment. page thirteen 1: SEAN, smiling. He's decked out in full Hunt For Red October gear. SEAN: Good morning, Comrade. You've been asleep for days. Our Natasha fixed you with quite a googly. 2: Abbey, in a fighting stance. ABBEY: I'll give you a googly upside the head you scottish commie! 3: Shania. SHANIA: Relax, darlin'! We all y'friends! 4: Abbey, even more tense. ABBEY: I'll break you all down! 5: Natasha, pushing Abbey down. Betty stands behind her in a phat pose. BETTY: You must chill. We all be Danger GRRRL, and you best be joinin' us, because you're bustin' it on our Phillipinian Schooner smack in the middle of The Asiadriatic Sea. 6: Abbey ABBEY: The Asiadriatic Sea. Well that sucks. 7: Sean SEAN: You're probably wondering what the four of you have in common. page fourteen the Danger Grrrl origin spread 1: CAP: Natasha Fortt. An ex-Tiffany fan and born again goth chick, she was excommunicated from the Pensacola chapter of The Army of Darkness when her seamy past was discovered. In our organization, she is our throwing-things expert. Ankhs, Marilyn Manson CDs, those little glow-in-the-dark skulls that make weird spooky music when you touch them. All of them can be turned into deady weapons in the hands of Miss Fortt. 2: CAP: Shania Joe Cleavage. The Bronco Roping Champion of Pokearound Texas for twelve years running, Miss Cleavage is our ropes, whips, and knot-tying expert. This makes her the most playful and enjoyable member of our group. At least in my opinion. Her aptitude in rope wrangling is matched only by her ability to write sad songs about pick-up trucks. She always keeps her favorite lasso by her side and rare is the enemy who has ever been able to escape it. page fifteen 1: CAP: Backstreet Betty. Several months ago while building her acclaimed Howie D. fan-site she accidentally hacked into the pentagon's most powerful super computer. This unsurprisingly caught this organization's attention immediately. Since she arrived we've helped her increase her skills tremendously. She is now the head of all of our communications and reconnaissance work. But she's altogether useless in a scrap. Unless of course you badmouth 'The Boyz.' 2: CAP: And, finally, you. Abbey Rhodes. Possibly the world's greatest scavenger. Ever since you first found your father's missing Sid & Marty Kroft lunchbox that he thought had been lost forever, your skills at finding the most elusive things have been the stuff of legend. You've also become quite a little scrapper in the interim. page sixteen 1: Sean SEAN: We've contacted you, primarily, for any information you might have on the missing Chromium Infinity Cover. 2: Abbey rifling through a backpack 3: Pulling out the book. ABBEY: This old thing? 4: Sean, teary-eyed, now as The senior Dr. Jones SEAN: You found it, lass! I knew you could do it! All you needed was faith, boy! 5: Abbey A: Actually, all it took was a fat chronic sledgehammer to the front window of the Android's Dungeon comic shop up the street from my new house. It seemed like the most valuable thing in there. 6: Sean S: The Android's Dungeon! Of course! All the prophecies and scripture! Ha ha! Soup should have mailed it to the Marx Brothers! page seventeen 1: A puzzled Abbey A: Soup? 2: An origin panel similar to the Grrls' CAP: J. Campbell Soup. Ruthless leader of The J. Crew. He and his cronies Crosby, Inker, and Colorist are a group of comic book creaters hell bent on getting comics to reach the widest audience possible, which, of course, means lots of large breasted women and things blowing up. But they didn't just stop there. 3: (continued origin) CAP: A year ago, Soup stumbled upon the legendary Infinity Covers of Kilimanjaro. These are ancient Incan tablets with the mystical ability to conform to the posessor's deepest desires. CONFLICTING CAP: Like, say, the cover of a comic book. CAP: Exactly. Soup discovered all five of them and used them to create five variant covers of his masterpiece. The first issue of 'Tits and Famous-Looking People With Moles Like Cindy Crawford Has'. The book itself was filled with enough pandering tripe to give it a massive buzz among the tens of dozens of fans which made of comics' information underground. Combined with the power of the Infinity Covers, the first issue of 'Tits and Famous-Looking People With Moles Like Cindy Crawford Has' could mean the end of the world as we know it. page eighteen 1: A perplexed Abbey A: So then how did I get my hands on the Fifth Variant? 2: Sean, looking through a small black book A: According to legend, five months ago a fringe operative of the GRRRL organization, Dangerous Fatty, posed as a special Guest Inker and infiltrated the J. Crew. He manged to steal Chromium, the most powerful variant and hide it in his secret lair. 3: Abbey *snap!* A: A comic book store. 4: Sean S: Exactly, m'boy! But we hadn't heard from Dangerous Fatty for months. His comic book store was overrun by the Crimson Mystical Mages Card Shoppe next door and we assumed he was dead. 5: Abbey and Sean A: It was right in the front window. That's kinda kooky. S: Indeed. A: Well, we definitely can't let the J. Crew get their hands on this fifth variant. But how can we stop them? 6: Sean in Untouchables regalia S: When they pull a knife, we pull a gun. If they put a guy in the hospital, we put Inker in the mourge! If they kill Backstreet Betty, well we can always find another computer geek. B (off panel): Hey! page nineteen 1: Exploding doorway (possibly splash page?) and the J Crew behind it. Soup: We just might have to take you up on that, Sean. Sean: THE J. CREW! page twenty 1: Sean, pointing and angry, possibly in weather-guy from avengers get-up. S: Let's take this outside, grrrls! 2: the crews begin pairing up, Natasha going after Inker, headed towards the outside deck. N: Word has it you're pretty good at throwing things, chump. You like Nine Inch Nails? I: Sure I do, who can resist Trent Reznor's introspectively dark lyrics coupled with intense beats and rhythms? 3: Inker, smiling at a shit load of Nine Inch Nails headed his way. I: Wow. I'd almost be scared if I couldn't do -- 4: Inker, throwing ink out of an open inkwell in a floating puddle that the nails bounce off of. I: THIS! 5: A shocked Natasha. N: But how?!? 6: Same position but now clocked by the solidified puddle of ink. 7: Natasha headed overboard. I (off panel): It's a simple case of dynamic line work and the power of chiroschiro! page twenty-one! 1: Shania Joe Versus Colorist S: Well, boy howdy! Aren't you just a peach. 2: Colorist busting out a giant R, G, B and Y. C: Peach! One of my favorite colors! 3: Puzzled Shania S: What the heck are those? 4: Angry Colorist whipping the Y at Shania C: It's the only way colors could be even remotely represented in this book! And boy does that ever make me mad! Black and white books go against the very foundation of comic books laid down by the masters! Who the hell wants to be bothered with tones and shading?! I want a billion different shades of red!! I want computerized fades and those cool new shiny effects that make death-bringing robots all the more cooler!! When we get our hands on that chromium cover, crappy black-and-whites like this one will be a thing of the past! 5: Shania pinned to the wall with the Y S: Y'all are mad! The independent spirit will always live on! S'long as there's a guy working at a seven-eleven hell bent on spending twenty pages talking about how much he likes to masturbate, there will always be black and white comics! 6: Same poisition, getting clubbed by the B. C: Dream on, hick-woman! 7: Triumphant Colorist C: DREAM ON!! page twenty-two 1: Soup sneaking into the control room where the Chromium cover is 2: Abbey's tight ass and hand holding the cover in the foreground as Soup sneaks around A: Not so fast, Soup. I won't let you have that cover. 3: Angry Soup. S: You can't stop me, Rhodes! And deep down, you don't want to! You like breasts as much as the rest of us! They're nature's gift to mankind! With that cover, the magic of curvaceous chicks will be spread world-wide! Won't that be nice? 4: Abbey holding a gun in the other hand. A: You're sick, soup. You need to be condensed. *blam!* 5: Soup holding up the four covers and blocking the bullet. S: Ha ha! Even without the fifth variant, these four covers are enough to stop your puny ammunition! Now, experience the power of -- 6: Pulling out one of the covers from the group. S: BAGGED WITH TRADING CARD! 7: The bag extends out from the cover and envelops Abbey, causing her to drop chromium. 8: A frantic Abbey trying to escape. S: Don't worry. There are tiny little air holes. Without them, the comic would deteriorate to dust in time and it would be of no use to me. 9: Grabbing the chromium off the floor. SFX: Yoink! S: Thank you, Rhodes. page-twenty-three Backstreet betty versus Crosby. Lay this fight out exactly like robin versus the bomb maker in Dark Knight Returns. This will be the funniest page in comics history. 1: on the roof of the boat. Crosby leaping on BB. Cap: -- then he's all up on my jock -- Cap: -- too much Cros it's everywhere -- Cap: -- his hands -- mad clammy -- 2: choking BB Cap: -- they're all up in my face -- on my scrawny-ass neck -- 3: still choking Cap: -- hard to breathe -- Cap: -- can't even manage -- Cap: -- chorus -- Cap: -- 'Backstreet's Back' -- 4: hit on the back of the head by Colorist's giant G C (off panel): Ooh! Sorry Cros! Cap: -- then -- Cap: -- then I hear some ill sound and his hand is all up off my neck -- Cap: -- and he's mad airborne -- 5: Cros splashing into the water head first 6: Struggling in the water 7: BB crying. 8: Sean as Robin Hood? S: Grrrls...We've got to stop Soup... 9: Soup trying to escape on rowboat. His own boat can be seen in the distance. S: We can't...let him win...too easy...breasts too likeable. 10: Sean leaping at rowboat and knocking Soup into water. S: ...Spare the world...A Ricardo Montalbon look-a-like.. . Page twenty-four 1: Soup and Sean are struggling Soup: Let go of me, old man! Your time is done! The grey streaks in your once black hair are symbols of a bygone era! Welcome to a new age of color and sales!! Sean: Never! 2: Soup, busting out another cover. Soup: Experience the power of -- 3: Same position but with blood splashing off-panel. Soup: DIE-CUT! 4: Sean collapsed on boat. Now in Dr. Jones gear. Soup standing up triumphant! Soup: At last! The Infinity Covers are mine!! Nothing can stop me now!! 5: Massive water-based explosion, turning both boats into splinters. page twenty-five splash page of Natasha as Dark Aeonix rising out of the water, just like the one in Dark Phoenix saga (you know the one I mean) Natasha: Prepare to feel the wrath, Soup, of DARK AEONIX!!* (inset of Sean, blood on his shirt). Sean: But...in Latin...Jehova begins with an 'I'! CAP: *See Phathom #1 CAP: To Be Continued! No one said it'd be good, or self contained. Sheesh. :P    
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EVERYTHING JAKE is TM & (C) 2000-2011 by Mike Rosenzweig. | ||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||
